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Existential Angst

8/11/2022

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Check out the ongoing posts on the Existential Issues page to learn about anxiety related to life itself.  Posts are in reverse order, so if you want to start at the beginning scroll down on the existential issues page here.
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What if my partner doesn't want to come to counselling?

1/5/2022

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It takes two to tango, right?  So ideally if you want to improve your relationship, both individuals would work on it together.  But, that is ideal, and life isn't ideal.  So what can you do for your relationship if your partner doesn't want to come to counselling?

A few ideas:
1. Start with yourself: You can best serve the people you love by working on yourself.  We all have things about ourselves that need improvement, and by so doing we make our relationships better.  For example, if you tend to get easily triggered and as a result can't have difficult discussions with your partner, you can work on that (in counselling for yourself)  and become better regulated.  You learning to be less reactive can improve your relationship.

2.  Set up a meeting with a counsellor with the intent of seeing if it  would be a good fit for  you.  No commitment, no promises, just a introduction to how things would go and to get an idea if the counsellor is a good match.  No pressure.  Ask for a meeting and explain your situation.  Feel free to refuse services if it doesn't feel right for you.  Any counsellor  would be up for that, in fact, that is what the first session is about.

3. Find a different method of getting help: Maybe your partner would be more interested in talking to a family member, a member of clergy, or a relationship coach.  Find out if they would be more comfortable with something other than counselling.  Taking the first step towards getting counselling is often the most difficult step for people.  Also, some people are still uncomfortable with the word counselling or psychologist.  They might not know that counselling is for regular people with regular struggles.


NOTE: If you are experiencing abuse or harm (physically, emotionally, spiritually, sexually, mentally or otherwise) you may have to consider keeping yourself (and any children that are in harms way) safe first and addressing the relationship second.

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Marriage Maintenance

1/5/2022

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If you want your marriage to work, you need to work on your marriage!

Couples tend to seek counselling when things have already being going wrong for a long time.  I've heard other counsellors say that most couples come to them 5 years too late!  That often rings true.  Except, it's never too late.

We tend to reach out only when we think we can no longer handle our situation.  Reaching out for help is often the most difficult part of making our lives better.  It really is difficult to say, "I need help.  I can't do this alone."  Once you do, though, it is surprising how quickly you can improve your situation.  That is not to say that everything will magically fix itself.  It still takes effort and a bit of time.  If something took years to become dysfunctional it may take some time to get healed.

Here's an idea for the New Year.  Reach out!  Call a friend.  Connect with family.  Set yourself up for counselling.  The first step is vital.   And in case you think it won't work anyways, that it is too late for you, take heart.  If your first attempt doesn't work the way you imagined, try again.  What's the most you can lose?  One hour and some cash?  That is definitely worth the risk compared to your relationship deteriorating even further.  Do it today.
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Subsidized Counselling soming soon

8/13/2021

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More great news!!

Starting in October, 2021, Blue Leaf Counselling is teaming up with the Family Centre of Lethbridge to provide subsidized counselling to eligible clients.  Eligibility is based on income and family size.  If you think you might qualify for this subsidy, please reach out to Edwin directly (403-320-4232 ext 216) or the Family Centre (403-320-4232).

This subsidy is made possible by the Family Centre of Southern Alberta and an anonymous donor.
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Coming soon

4/14/2021

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Counselling appointments will soon be available!! Starting in July 2021 you will be able to book appointments with Edwin.  Both couple and individual counselling will be available.  Keep an eye out for starting dates.
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Strange Times

2/21/2021

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It's been almost a full year of dealing with covid-19. Strange times in deed.  Hopefully you are finding ways to stay active, connected, and sane.  Isolation is a real danger to health, just as much as (or more than) eating well and staying fit. 
  Mental health during these times is something worth thinking about.  The basics include connecting with loved ones, staying in touch with nature, moving your body, and eating well. 
 

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Emotion regulation

9/5/2017

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Studies have shown that the people who regulate their emotions the most effectively, do so the least often.  And, those who don't regulate their emotions well, spend the most time doing so.  Why is this? 

It turns out that you people regulate people's emotions.  There is a biological basis to this.  Your body will physically react, in a good way, to the presence of someone else.  It may be as simple as sharing, talking, sitting together, walking, etc. Studies have shown that people literally perceive the world differently when in contact with another human .  For example, hills are perceived as less steep when the test subject was holding a friends hand.  Pretty neat!

It follows that if you are having a hard time with how you feel, with life, with regulating yourself, it may turn out that you aren't all that good at regulating your emotions.  The fix?  Socialize, build friendships, build into family, and relate! You may have to make a point of it.

It doesn't make much sense to be a rock, an island, a loner.  It makes more sense to intentionally build relationships.  This, in turn, will provide you with support and decrease the amount of energy you put into self-regulating. 
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Feelings... what do I do with them?

7/3/2017

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I am often asked by clients what it is they should do with feelings they have, especially the 'bad' feelings.  Clients usually refer to anger, sorrow, guilt, and fear as 'bad' feelings.  My challenge is always to look at feelings in a more neutral manner.  Try to stand back from your feelings, look at them from a distance, and accept them.  Sounds strange, I know, but feelings can't hurt you. And, fighting them is just going to make things messy.  A lot of unhealthy behaviour stems from individuals not being able to accept how they feel.  The unhealthy behaviour is usually used to do one of the following:
a. cover/stop a feeling considered 'bad' (e.g. drinking to deal with being bored)
b. getting a 'good' feeling, (e.g. using substances to feel relaxed)

Here's a novel idea... why not just feel what you feel and see what happens? Feelings come and go, they don't stick around if you roll with it.  Resisting your feelings will cause them to persist.  That which you resist, persists.

This can be hard to believe so go ahead and try it with feelings you think aren't too bad or too intense.  You may be surprised at how freeing this can be.

Additionally, accepting feelings provides space to analyze the accuracy of the thoughts behind the situation.  But, that's a topic for another day.
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The importance of vulnerability by Brené Brown

2/28/2017

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Empathy vs. Sympathy and why it matters.

2/28/2017

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Here is a brilliant and short video by Brené Brown demonstrating empathy.

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The Do's and Don'ts for dealing with an addict in your life.

2/28/2017

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Here's a link to a good site that helps show the difference between what we might want to consider doing or not doing when we have an addict in our lives.

http://www.narconon.org/blog/drug-addiction/dos-donts-dealing-addict-life/

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Anxiety... ways to cope

2/28/2017

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Anxiety can be a crippling thing to deal with.  Intense heart rate, difficulty breathing, obsessive thoughts, aching muscles, dizziness, headache, feeling 'fuzzy', and pain in the chest is not comfortable or easy to put up with.  Often, we want to fight it and 'make it feel better'.  This article does a good job of explaining how that may not work and gives us a different approach to working with anxiety. Of course, if your anxiety is very intense or you have reason to believe you have a medical condition, you should go to a doctor to see if medication or other factors need to be considered.

http://www.heysigmund.com/dealing-with-anxiety-anxious-mind-calm/


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Assertiveness: a better way to communicate.

9/28/2015

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Here is a simple acronym you can remember when you need to communicate clearly and honestly with someone without accusing, blaming, or getting angry.  The acronym is D.E.S.C.

D. Describe the situation.
E. Express how you feel.
S. Specify what you want.
C. State the positive consequences that will result if you get what you want.

For example, imagine you neighbour's dog is constantly digging up your flowers, your getting sick and tired of it, and all you want to do is yell at your neighbour or do mean things to the dog.  Instead, using the D.E.S.C. acronym you can go to your neighbour and say the following:

D. (describe the situation) I noticed that your dog has been digging up my flower bed for quite some time.
E.  (express how you feel) I spent a lot of time making my yard look nice and it upsets me that my creation is being destroyed.
S. (specify what you want) I would like it if you could keep your dog out of my yard when you let him out.
C. (consequences of that happening) That way I will get enjoyment out of my garden, I won't feel frustrated with you, and we will get along better.

Notice how that in communicating this way you are not blaming or pointing fingers.  You own your feelings and what you want and do not end up doing nasty things or getting angry.  Will you always get what you want by communicating this way? No. But it is more effective and self-respective than loosing your cool or being passive aggressive (e.g. making underhanded comments to your neighbour hoping he will get the message).
Source: Adapted from Positive Coping Skills Toolbox
VA Mental Illness Research, Education, and Clinical Centers (MIRECC)


Download a D.E.S.C. sheet below!

DESC Script
File Size: 73 kb
File Type: pdf
Download File

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Jo Harvey on retelling her story around addiction

9/7/2015

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A great example of looking at addiction from a different and more effective perspective.  What story are you telling around your challenges or addictions? 
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