Existential angst refers to the problem humans get when life itself causes anxiety. There are 5 givens of life that contribute to existential angst. 5 things you can't get around or away from. Here they are:
1. Mortality - you are going to die one day. This ties into health anxiety and also the fear that you haven't become what you could have and now it's too late. Kind of like FOMO (fear of missing out).
2. Freedom- you are free to choose, basically anything (within physical limits). This can be scary and leads to worry about having made the wrong choice or worry you won't make a good choice. Choice is actually a large contributor to unhappiness because of this. Weird right? But true. There have been clever research experiments that showed that prize winners that could choice their prize (a poster) were less happy with their prize than those who were given one (without choice).
3. Responsibility- any action you take (or don't take) has a consequence, and you will deal with that consequence. No other way around that one. This existential given (or fact) ties directly into the freedom given.  If you are free to choose, then you are also  going to be responsible for that choice. Notice that I didn't say you will be held, responsible.  No one is necessarily doing it to you.  Life just works that way.  If you choose to eat too much candy your teeth will rot.  That is the consequence. That is how you are responsible.
4. You are alone - no matter how you spin it, you are alone. You experience life from only your perspective and no matter how close someone is to you, you are still separate from them and alone.  Sir Francis Bacon said "For a crowd is not company; and faces are but a gallery of pictures; and talk but a tinkling cymbal, where there is no love." And then Edwin says, even if there is love, you will still experience it as you, alone.  Often you aren't understood fully or accepted fully.  There is always that sense of isolation in life. That is not to say that relationships are useless.  Absolutely not. The point is simply this; even in relationship there is a sense of isolation.  That is just a fact of life.
5. Meaninglessness - life doesn't seem to mean anything in itself, by itself. It doesn't really make a lot of sense. What does it mean to live, what is the purpose, is there a purpose, how do I tell? Even those with great faith can struggle with ultimate purpose.

Check out the ongoing posts on the Existential Issues page to learn about anxiety related to life itself.  Posts are in reverse order, so if you want to start at the beginning scroll down on the existential issues page here.

If you want your marriage to work, you need to work on your marriage!

Couples tend to seek counselling when things have already being going wrong for a long time.  I've heard other counsellors say that most couples come to them 5 years too late!  That often rings true.  Except, it's never too late.

We tend to reach out only when we think we can no longer handle our situation.  Reaching out for help is often the most difficult part of making our lives better.  It really is difficult to say, "I need help.  I can't do this alone."  Once you do, though, it is surprising how quickly you can improve your situation.  That is not to say that everything will magically fix itself.  It still takes effort and a bit of time.  If something took years to become dysfunctional it may take some time to get healed.

Here's an idea for the New Year.  Reach out!  Call a friend.  Connect with family.  Set yourself up for counselling.  The first step is vital.   And in case you think it won't work anyways, that it is too late for you, take heart.  If your first attempt doesn't work the way you imagined, try again.  What's the most you can lose?  One hour and some cash?  That is definitely worth the risk compared to your relationship deteriorating even further.  Do it today.

More great news!!

Starting in October, 2021, Blue Leaf Counselling is teaming up with the Family Centre of Lethbridge to provide subsidized counselling to eligible clients.  Eligibility is based on income and family size.  If you think you might qualify for this subsidy, please reach out to Edwin directly (403-320-4232 ext 216) or the Family Centre (403-320-4232).

This subsidy is made possible by the Family Centre of Southern Alberta and an anonymous donor.

Counselling appointments will soon be available!! Starting in July 2021 you will be able to book appointments with Edwin.  Both couple and individual counselling will be available.  Keep an eye out for starting dates.

Studies have shown that the people who regulate their emotions the most effectively, do so the least often.  And, those who don't regulate their emotions well, spend the most time doing so.  Why is this? 

It turns out that you people regulate people's emotions.  There is a biological basis to this.  Your body will physically react, in a good way, to the presence of someone else.  It may be as simple as sharing, talking, sitting together, walking, etc. Studies have shown that people literally perceive the world differently when in contact with another human .  For example, hills are perceived as less steep when the test subject was holding a friends hand.  Pretty neat!

It follows that if you are having a hard time with how you feel, with life, with regulating yourself, it may turn out that you aren't all that good at regulating your emotions.  The fix?  Socialize, build friendships, build into family, and relate! You may have to make a point of it.

It doesn't make much sense to be a rock, an island, a loner.  It makes more sense to intentionally build relationships.  This, in turn, will provide you with support and decrease the amount of energy you put into self-regulating. 

I am often asked by clients what it is they should do with feelings they have, especially the 'bad' feelings.  Clients usually refer to anger, sorrow, guilt, and fear as 'bad' feelings.  My challenge is always to look at feelings in a more neutral manner.  Try to stand back from your feelings, look at them from a distance, and accept them.  Sounds strange, I know, but feelings can't hurt you. And, fighting them is just going to make things messy.  A lot of unhealthy behaviour stems from individuals not being able to accept how they feel.  The unhealthy behaviour is usually used to do one of the following:
a. cover/stop a feeling considered 'bad' (e.g. drinking to deal with being bored)
b. getting a 'good' feeling, (e.g. using substances to feel relaxed)

Here's a novel idea... why not just feel what you feel and see what happens? Feelings come and go, they don't stick around if you roll with it.  Resisting your feelings will cause them to persist.  That which you resist, persists.

This can be hard to believe so go ahead and try it with feelings you think aren't too bad or too intense.  You may be surprised at how freeing this can be.

Additionally, accepting feelings provides space to analyze the accuracy of the thoughts behind the situation.  But, that's a topic for another day.

Anxiety can be a crippling thing to deal with.  Intense heart rate, difficulty breathing, obsessive thoughts, aching muscles, dizziness, headache, feeling 'fuzzy', and pain in the chest is not comfortable or easy to put up with.  Often, we want to fight it and 'make it feel better'.  This article does a good job of explaining how that may not work and gives us a different approach to working with anxiety. Of course, if your anxiety is very intense or you have reason to believe you have a medical condition, you should go to a doctor to see if medication or other factors need to be considered.

http://www.heysigmund.com/dealing-with-anxiety-anxious-mind-calm/

A great example of looking at addiction from a different and more effective perspective.  What story are you telling around your challenges or addictions?