Listening... do you know how?

Back in the day, not sure how long ago, listening skills were thought to mean simply reflecting back what a person is saying.  This still holds true today.  In order to know we have been heard, we need to know that the other person actually picked up on the content of our conversation.  Reflecting or mirroring back to your partner what they are saying is a great first step in truly listening to them.
However, good listening requires a bit more than that.

The second part of good listening is validating.  What this means is that it is important to tell the other person that what they are saying makes sense.  For example, you may say, "That makes sense because ....." or, "What you said makes sense because .... ".   This doesn't mean you agree with them, but it means you are able to see things from their perspective.  True listening is not about arguing, agreeing, changing your mind, or giving up your own views.  But, it does require being able to see things from your partner's point of view.  

Thirdly, listening requires empathizing.  This is about the emotional element of what the sharer is telling you.  Empathizing means you try to imagine how they might be feeling.  While validation is kind of like cognitive empathy, the kind of empathy we talk about in the third part is an emotional kind.  You might say something like "I imagine you might be feeling ....." or "I bet you felt ..., Is that what you were feeling?" 

When I work with couples on communication it is very cool to see how successful listening is received by both parties.  Often couples will say that it felt good and that it was nice to communicate in such a way. 

This kind of listening requires practice and work.  It isn't just automatic and it will feel awkward at first for most couples.  It is very powerful though and makes a big difference in feeling connected to our partners.