I often work with couples in which one partner has ADHD or is likely to have it. A common challenge they face is not fully understanding how differently their minds work. Each partner tends to assume the other thinks and processes the world the same way, which can quickly lead to frustration as small issues escalate into major conflicts. Once the honeymoon phase fades and the realities of daily life set in, routine responsibilities often become a source of stress, since each person approaches them differently. Without insight into what’s actually happening for their partner, it’s easy for misunderstandings to arise, leaving each to view the other as lazy, disorganized, disinterested, or worse.  

One way that couples counselling can help these couples out, especially when the counsellor understands ADHD, is in teaching them how their partner operates, that their partner isn't being mean or intentionally frustrating, and ways to work with each other towards common goals.

It is hard for some people to consider or accept the idea that they have ADHD. It isn't necessary to accept the label or to take it on, though.  Yet, it might give a starting point for couples to address underlying reasons for their disconnection.  There is a way to get reconnected and back on the same page!  It might just look different than what you envisioned. 

I know we are all busy and life can feel like a rat race, However, couples need to spend quality time together to nurture and grow their relationship. Sharing experiences, meaningful conversations, and simple moments of connection help partners deepen their understanding of one another and strengthen emotional bonds. Prioritizing time together is essential for building trust, fostering intimacy, and enjoying the journey of growth as a couple.

In my practice I see many couples running out of time and not spending time with each other.  Even simple practices like eating together, going for walks, or catching up with each other daily can sometimes be missing.  There seems to be a very strong connection between healthy relationships and built in connecting opportunities.  How is your relationship doing? 

This post is meant as an encouragement to effort-fully connect with your partner.  Find some time, or better yet, incorporate what psychologists call 'rituals of connection', routine behaviours and activities that include connection.  Example include greeting each other or saying goodbye each time someone comes or goes, eating together, having coffee breaks together, cooking together, cleaning together, date nights on specific evenings, watching a show on a particular night, or checking in at night before sleep.

AI is increasingly finding its way in our homes, lives, work, and  even relationships.  AI dating apps are becoming more and more popular.  Do you ever find yourself having conversations with AI, like ChatGPT?  Is that starting to feel like a relationship?  How is this impacting your marriage?  A lot of interesting questions and discussion arise; maybe it's time to start the conversation about AI with your spouse.  Don't loose each other to AI!  If you feel likes it's starting to infringe on your relationship, consider counselling.   Marriage counselling can provide the space, time, and place to have these discussions.  Feel like your loosing your spouse to AI?  You are not alone.  This is becoming a reality, one that needs attention.  

A healthy, thriving relationship doesn’t just happen on its own—it takes consistent effort, care, and intentional investment. Just like a garden, love needs to be watered, nurtured, and tended to in order to grow strong and lasting.

Why Relationships Need Investment

When two people first come together, attraction and excitement give plenty of energy to the bond. But over time, the novelty fades, and what keeps the connection alive is the choice to actively invest in one another. Without attention, even the strongest bond can weaken. Investment means both people contributing time, effort, and care to build trust, intimacy, and understanding.

Ways to Invest in Your Relationship

• Prioritize time together: Shared moments create closeness. Whether it’s a daily check-in, a weekly date, or meaningful conversations, consistent time reinforces your partnership.
• Communicate openly: Honest and respectful communication helps resolve conflicts before they grow and strengthens mutual understanding.
• Show appreciation: Small acts of gratitude, kind words, and thoughtful gestures help your partner feel valued and loved.
• Grow together: Support each other’s goals and encourage personal growth. A relationship flourishes when both partners feel empowered as individuals and as a team.
• Weather challenges as one: Every couple faces difficulties, but facing them side by side strengthens your bond rather than divides it.
  

The Reward of Consistent Care

Just as a neglected garden withers, relationships that lack attention can stagnate. But when both partners are committed to nurturing their love, it deepens over time, evolving into a bond built on trust, love, and resilience. The most rewarding relationships are the ones where both people show up daily with intention.
In the end, love is less about grand gestures and more about steady, everyday acts of care. When you invest in your relationship, you’re not only growing closer—you’re building something that can withstand the tests of time.

Sometimes people reach out and have a problem with the cost of counselling.  Hopefully you have benefits that help with the cost, but even if you don't, consider the following.

Research shows that marriage therapy is highly effective, with about 70% of couples experiencing meaningful improvements(1) and 90% reporting better emotional well-being and relationship satisfaction(2). Our therapy sessions focus on improving communication, resolving conflicts, and strengthening bonds, supporting not just your relationship but your overall mental and physical health. In terms of Emotion Focused Therapy, which Edwin makes use of, 90% of couples report a significant improvement in relationship(3). 

Remember, improvement in your relationship (or yourself) will effect your life as a whole, including your finances.  So, before you turn down therapy or counselling due to its cost, imagine how much it costs to not address the relationship or individual issues you are currently dealing with. What is the price tag on that?

Choose Blue Leaf Counselling to invest in a stronger, healthier future for you and your family. Because every relationship deserves care that lasts.

1.https://drrebeccajorgensen.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/Lebow-et-al-review-of-couple-research-2012.pdf 
2.https://www.wellmarriagecenter.com/what-percentage-of-marriages-survive-after-counseling/
3.https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/mindful-relationships/202101/the-most-effective-couples-therapy-by-far

Something that has been on my mind recently is the problem of religious abuse.  Religious trauma can have lasting effects on mental health, often resulting from experiences within controlling or manipulative religious environments. Common symptoms may include feelings of shame, guilt, anxiety, and a compromised sense of self-worth. It can instill in you a fear of being found out and of not being good enough (for others or for God).
Counselling can be a powerful tool for healing from religious trauma. Here's how it helps:

• Safe Space: Provides a non-judgmental environment to express emotions and experiences.
  
• Validation: Acknowledges the trauma, which is crucial for healing.
  
• Rebuilding Self: Helps develop self-compassion and a positive self-image.
  
• Coping Strategies: Teaches new ways to manage triggers and emotions.
  

Working with a psychologist experienced in religious trauma can empower individuals to reclaim their lives, develop their own values, and cultivate a renewed sense of purpose.

Mindfulness exercises are immensely valuable for promoting mental well-being and emotional stability. These practices involve cultivating a heightened awareness of the present moment, basically allowing yourself to fully engage with your thoughts, feelings, and surroundings. One of the key benefits of mindfulness exercises is stress reduction. By focusing on the present, you can alleviate anxiety about the future or regrets about the past. Regular mindfulness practice also enhances emotional regulation, helping you respond thoughtfully to challenging situations rather than reacting impulsively. Additionally, mindfulness exercises have been linked to improved concentration and enhanced cognitive flexibility, which can boost overall productivity and problem-solving abilities.
 A few mindfulness activities:
1. Deep breathing, where one focuses on the inhalation and exhalation.
2. Body scan meditation involves systematically observing and relaxing each part of the body. This is great for reducing tension.
3. Mindful walking encourages paying attention to the sensations of each step, fostering a sense of grounding.
4. Naming 5 things you see, 4 things you hear, 3 things you feel, 2 things you smell, and 1 think you taste. To enhance the experience, repeat it and focus more completely on each sense.

When winter arrives and the days become shorter and colder, it can affect our mood,  a condition referred to as Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD. To take care of ourselves during this time, it is crucial to focus on activities that make us happy and relaxed. This could mean spending time doing things we love, like reading, drawing, or baking, as well as spending quality time with friends and family. Exercise, even a short walk, can boost our mood by releasing feel-good chemicals in our brains. Taking care of our bodies by eating healthy foods, getting enough sleep, and drinking water is also really important. By paying attention to both our physical and mental well-being, we can better cope with the challenges that winter might bring and ensure we stay happy and healthy.

The past 11 posts have summarized Existential Angst and the way that we tend to deal with it.  Hopefully it gave you some food for thought and possibly gave you ideas to deal with your anxiety in a more productive manner.  To a large extent, acceptance and adaptation are key elements to dealing with anxiety.  Creating meaning for yourself is another way to make life productive and purposeful. 

I hope to organize these posts in the resource section of the website over the next months.

Existential Angst: Part 11- Responding to Existential Angst- 5. Searching
Searching- Some of us are seekers.  That is what we do.  We are always looking for an explanation, seeking an answer, trying to learn, or working on growth. Seeking in and of itself is a way of dealing with existential problems.  Really get into it. Lean into it. Feel it.  Scour the earth for an answer, a method, a solution.  This approach includes talking about your anxiety, discussion with others, reading books, trying new methods of being, experimenting with new ideas, writing out your thoughts, creating theories, etc.

Expression- one way that many creative people work through their existential angst is by actively expressing themselves.  Music, art, drama, literature, poetry, and the like can be used to express existential issues.  The energy of the anxiety is lessened and the expression of the anxiety becomes the solution to the anxiety.  It's kind of like how talking about being sad helps us heal in times when we are grieving.  Instead of turning away from the discomfort, turn towards it.  Examples in this category include story writing/telling, creating visual art, writing songs, playing music, writing in a journal, writing poetry, and even acting/singing. 

Existential Angst: Part 9- Responding to Existential Angst- 3.Devotion
3. Devotion- Another way you might deal with life anxiety, is to put your focus onto an object of devotion. By focusing on one object, and devoting your life to that object, you can resolve the need to figure it all out on your own because a  lot of the hard work of life is explained and outlined for you.

For example, religion is a common way to make sense of life, know how to act; it gives meaning to things that are hard to understand, outlines values and principles for life, etc.   Taking Christianity (and similar faiths) as an example, the basics are like this: If I believe in God, that God has a plan for my life, that after this life there is another life, and that if I follow the basic rules of being a good person I will go to the good place, then I probably have an answer to all of the givens of life.  Death isn't the end, so death isn't as big of a threat. The point of life is to enjoy a relationship with God and follow his rules.  Freedom and responsibility are a little tricky but there is a sense that I am somewhat free and responsible but not fully. There is a God backing it all up, so I have the comfort of knowing that its not all up to me and the grace of God can save me from any error I make. Also, I am never alone and can always talk to God.  Sure, it gets a little sticky with the specifics, but for the most part  faith in this case may give great comfort.

Religious texts can be objects of devotion. Spiritual rituals and beliefs, religious or not, as well.   'Non-religious' belief systems (if that is a thing) can also fall into this category.  For example, social justice, the environment, solving poverty, a cure for a disease, etc. can all be objects of devotion.  They each come with prescribed values and behaviours which in turn provide answers to the existential questions.

Sometimes a return to former beliefs can resolve some of the existential angst a person faces. Of course, if beliefs are not matched with vulnerability then there is a tendency towards fanaticism, which you may want to avoid.  There is a lot to be said for humility as an antidote to extremism.  Also, if one is to devote oneself to wrong belief, their anxiety may not be reduced but rather increased

2. Distraction- if you can keep yourself distracted, busy, running out of time, exhausted, etc., then you won't have the time or energy to worry about life stuff.  You can get so absorbed into anything sufficiently that you won't worry about the meaning of life, or the fact that you are free to act in the world, or that you are going to die.  If you are fully distracted, you will have (kind of) solved your problem.  Favourites in this category include work, busy family life, social engagements, taking on multiple projects, relationships, and of course any addictive behaviour- gambling, drinking, gaming, shopping, social media, and drugs.  Other distractions may include dreaming, fantasizing, playing sports, watching sports, or watching the news.  You will know for yourself what it is you might be doing to distract yourself.

And if you are distracting yourself... is it good for you? Is it working? Is this the way to live your best life? 

If you have gotten this far you probably can relate to existential anxiety and are wondering how to better deal with it.  I have included a few ideas specific to each of the givens (realities) of life in each of the previous posts.  This post will discuss broad and general responses to existential angst. 

I am going to suggest that there are 5 basic ways what we deal with existential angst.  I am not suggesting any is better or worse than the other, and I am not proposing that you must pick one and then everything will be better.  Life really doesn't work that way.  This is more of a discussion to get you to think about how you respond to the hard questions of life and maybe give you ideas on healthier ways to face some of the givens of life. As a reminder, the givens of life are death, loneliness, freedom, responsibility, and the apparent meaninglessness of life.

Responses to existential angst.

1. Ignorance
2. Distraction
3. Devotion
4. Expression
5. Searching

 I thought of discussing them all at once, but it got to long, so I'll discuss each on its own.

1. Ignorance- I love Allan Watts' pronunciation of ignorance.  He calls it 'ignore'-ance.  It's what we do when we actively choose  to ignore something. Ignorance in today's age usually refers to unintentional lack of knowing . An ignorant person is seen as unintelligent and stupid. I believe ignorance is probably more intentional than we let on. By ignoring the question you may be able to relieve your anxiety.  Whenever the thoughts of meaning or death come up, tell yourself to not think about it.  This may seem hard for most people, but i have met people who simply tell me that they don't think about these things. I'm guessing they may be distracted or devoted (more on these later) enough to not have to think about it, but it is possible that some people simple choose to ignore the questions all together. If you are reading this then you will probably not be great at doing this or think there is a better option. Ignorance is bliss?